So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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