I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is Oprah even human
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
