the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
