Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
