U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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