One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
