I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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