Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
