Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
