I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
