It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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