I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
