If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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