It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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