did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
