Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
