Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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