the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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