What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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