I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
