Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
