So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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