My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need a beard to bite.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
