Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
