you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
