OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
