please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
