I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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