take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
