just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
