god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize