i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
