Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
