So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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