Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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