Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
