I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i now understand why vodka
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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