everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
