Your dad touched me again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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