Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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