And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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