I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
