His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
