Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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