Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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