OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
