I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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