Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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