You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
