i was rollin on her like bob the builder
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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